Im learning slowly that i need to live my life to the fullest. That i just need to stop worrying about what happened yesterday. I need to just keep moving on.. to either let go or to forgive. Life is to short to just be worrying about things that dont matter, that may have happened weeks ago. What truly matters is now. Yeah it may seem like the end of the world when things dont go the way you want them to, but there is always a new day. You might have a bad day, lose a guy, make the wrong decision, or simply just feel like everything is against you. but what you have to see is good days will come, people will continue to walk in and out of your life.. some will stay for good, you will continue to make good and bad decisions, but atleast you are still living your life. Just gotta be happy with what you have, make the best of it. Love the people in your life. its almost like you have to live each moment like your last. cause u never know what could happen an hour later..tomorrow.. weeks from now etc. Live like there is no tomorrow..
R.I.P. Grandpa Moore.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Gone in a second
So.. by writing these posts i feel like i can leave it here to stay, that the memories will be gone and it will eventually become a good memory of mine. Everytime life seems like its right on track it just completely falls apart. I realize i dont really know what i want to do with my life and im running out of time to figure out. Its like i feel so lost again. Then i went from high on life to just plain hating it. I hate the feeling of losing so many people at one time.Ive lost a good friend because i just couldnt go out state with her. if i would have i most likely would be feeling worse than do right now. i would have ended up become so stressed that i would have just broke down. i needed that time to breathe. it sucks losing her, but i dont know what i can do. i feel like i lost another friend too, that i will never have her part of my life in the same way again. the cycle only continues. then i lost this absolutely amazing guy who seemed so perfect for me, but yet again i was wrong. he is mostly why im writing this. i have to fully let him go. to have his story to read when i can look back and smile on it.
So it started as a friendship. I needed someone to help take my mind off other things. he was funny, weird, cute, everything that almost reminded me of myself. i loved how we just talked all day about random stuff nothing that was important. he used to tell me stories that made me laugh. he was just different. we continued talking which eventually turned into more because we both started to like eachother. but what was so great about him is he made me feel on top of the world and so confident in myself. he wasnt like all the other guys. he would tell me i was beautiful and tell me i was perfect just how i was. he told me these such sweet things in so many different ways that it just started to become believable. he had almost all the qualities i wished for. he was perfect. we got along so well and everything just seemed great like nothing was going to get in the way and that we were gonna make it a long way. one of my most favorite things about him was how he would call me and play his guitar for me and sing to me. i would just lay there listening and smile the whole time. then we finally started hanging out and it got even better. i loved the way he would hold me thru the night as we fell asleep, then waking up to look into his beautiful blue eyes and he would kiss me on my forehead. I felt so comfortable with him and i felt so complete. like he was suppose to be part of my life. we continue our relationship together for a couple months, with the sweet text and all the cute things couples do. it almost felt new to me because i had never had anyone so focused on me before, it felt like i was all that mattered. but things like this that seem like a dream dont always last forever. i still dont understand what happened, i try not to think about it in the worst possible way, but i think thats what the result was. it happened so drastically and i had to wake up to reality that he just didnt care for me at all. that most likely all those things he said to me were lies. he built himself up to be someone i thought was genuine. maybe he was.. maybe he did like me, i just will never know. its hard to not to try to talk to him cause i feel like something could have been done. i dont know though maybe i just wasnt good enough. i deserved alittle more then what happened and it hurts me to sit here and realize hes not going to be talking to me again. that all those goodmorning text to start our day is gone.. i am really going to miss him. he really did mean alot to me. and he was a really great guy. and i only hope for the best for him because he made me realize there are guys out there that can make u almost feel like u were in a fairytale. i may sound crazy, but he really was incredible and im glad that i had him in my life for that short period of time because he opened my eyes to how things could be. but all there is left to do is move on. to let go of the pain that pulls at me to change it. that there is so much more to life. that we simply cant dwell on the past all we simply can do is move forward, and nothing is going to stop so u just have to keep up. u never know what may happen down the road. all the possibilities and what happens next it just might surprise u.
So it started as a friendship. I needed someone to help take my mind off other things. he was funny, weird, cute, everything that almost reminded me of myself. i loved how we just talked all day about random stuff nothing that was important. he used to tell me stories that made me laugh. he was just different. we continued talking which eventually turned into more because we both started to like eachother. but what was so great about him is he made me feel on top of the world and so confident in myself. he wasnt like all the other guys. he would tell me i was beautiful and tell me i was perfect just how i was. he told me these such sweet things in so many different ways that it just started to become believable. he had almost all the qualities i wished for. he was perfect. we got along so well and everything just seemed great like nothing was going to get in the way and that we were gonna make it a long way. one of my most favorite things about him was how he would call me and play his guitar for me and sing to me. i would just lay there listening and smile the whole time. then we finally started hanging out and it got even better. i loved the way he would hold me thru the night as we fell asleep, then waking up to look into his beautiful blue eyes and he would kiss me on my forehead. I felt so comfortable with him and i felt so complete. like he was suppose to be part of my life. we continue our relationship together for a couple months, with the sweet text and all the cute things couples do. it almost felt new to me because i had never had anyone so focused on me before, it felt like i was all that mattered. but things like this that seem like a dream dont always last forever. i still dont understand what happened, i try not to think about it in the worst possible way, but i think thats what the result was. it happened so drastically and i had to wake up to reality that he just didnt care for me at all. that most likely all those things he said to me were lies. he built himself up to be someone i thought was genuine. maybe he was.. maybe he did like me, i just will never know. its hard to not to try to talk to him cause i feel like something could have been done. i dont know though maybe i just wasnt good enough. i deserved alittle more then what happened and it hurts me to sit here and realize hes not going to be talking to me again. that all those goodmorning text to start our day is gone.. i am really going to miss him. he really did mean alot to me. and he was a really great guy. and i only hope for the best for him because he made me realize there are guys out there that can make u almost feel like u were in a fairytale. i may sound crazy, but he really was incredible and im glad that i had him in my life for that short period of time because he opened my eyes to how things could be. but all there is left to do is move on. to let go of the pain that pulls at me to change it. that there is so much more to life. that we simply cant dwell on the past all we simply can do is move forward, and nothing is going to stop so u just have to keep up. u never know what may happen down the road. all the possibilities and what happens next it just might surprise u.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
feelin weird
So why do people always have to pop back up outta no where.. like i know its always gonna happen.. people just come out of no where all the time. the reason they do? i still dont understand.. some i understand why, but that one im really tryin to figure out.. like im kinda creeped out by it.. like what was going through his head to decide that he needed to say a thing to me.. and what he said was just so weird and i dont know its really bothering me right now.. maybe he just really is weird! cause i can remember the time when he told me his really weird beliefs back when i went on vaca with him, it kinda scared me... but anyways why would i need closure after sooo long.. i think i have pretty much forgot you and am very much moved on from you.. and had no intentions of talking to you again.. i should have never responded cause that was just flat out weird.. i hope you have a nice life...
Sunday, December 19, 2010
The bigger picture
I am the type of person who seems to always get lost in her thoughts. i am always thinking about something. During my day i can think about now, the past, future, anything. I feel like i get lost in my thought more now a days because im always worrying about something, but honestly im finding a more optimistic approach to everything that i have been thinking about. Im not sure if its gonna last, but its definitely a start. So im gonna start with school. Fall semester has just ended and i didnt do well but i know i tried. im gonna have to retake a class and im not to proud of it, but its already done and nothing i can do to change what happened now. but what i like the most is i finally got myself back.. after each semester during the little break i get i always find my way back to me.. I realized this when i went to work that i was just so calm and collected.. i was my happy self again and it really felt good.. besides all the bullshit i have had to deal with between the end of school and now.. i am happy! and i love it this way. i wish it could be like this all the time.
So i have realized i have made some pretty good mistakes such as failing a class. liking a low-life douche bag, isolating myself like i do each semester, but i have realized that these mistakes have made me who i am. That our mistakes are just a big learning experience. we have to make mistakes to be able to find ourselves. cause if we were perfect we wouldnt know anything otherwise. its kinda like the 'what if' aspect on life. by the mistakes we make we might actually find the way that we are really suppose to be going. Senior year in high school i thought i was goin to school to be a doctor, but then i found out that biology was not my thing. now i am doing radiation therapy, but will this be my final decision, its unknown. there is no straight easy path to concluding my life. i feel like its always going to be altered along the way. I dont know if im gonna be what i think im gonna be 6 years from now. Im not gonna know who decides to show up again in my life. or the new people that show up to. Its all a mystery, an unwritten story that im writing as i go. a final copy that cant be corrected, and i definitely cant go to the last page to read the ending. Im not gonna lie i am scared not knowing what going to happen to next. im scared that im gonna end up alone.. scared of death. most all scared that there is nothing after this. that forever and forever after this i wont exist. i think of the worst things possible to be thinking about.
But beyond all the things i fear, i feel like i am becoming more capable to handle the things that life throws at me. I am finding it easier to take the criticism because i am proud of myself. easier to look back on the past and think that i am glad it happened. all of it. and that sometimes some people are just meant to be let go. i may never see or speak to some people that i thought would be sticking around. all i know is that it was part of my life. I have realized that you cant change a person to be what you want them to be. cause i shouldnt be looking to change a person to the my own expectations. i should be looking for someone who fits the criteria perfectly. that some people are just not what you thought they were. Im gonna run into plenty of people that are going to hurt my feeling, break my heart, make me happy. and i feel ready for it all. that i just need to forget the past, just know that it happened. to not be scared of my future because its gonna happen if i like it or not. what really matters is now. cause right now is what is happening. i may feel like life just isnt up to my expectations, but as the saying goes good things happen to those who wait. that something good will happen eventually cause it always does. but right now i am satisfied with where i am. i feel like i am on track. and no matter where the road may take me, i dont plan on sliding off the road and getting stuck. cause i dont wanna be stuck at home relying on my parents to take care of me. All i know is that i wanna make something of myself..
So i have realized i have made some pretty good mistakes such as failing a class. liking a low-life douche bag, isolating myself like i do each semester, but i have realized that these mistakes have made me who i am. That our mistakes are just a big learning experience. we have to make mistakes to be able to find ourselves. cause if we were perfect we wouldnt know anything otherwise. its kinda like the 'what if' aspect on life. by the mistakes we make we might actually find the way that we are really suppose to be going. Senior year in high school i thought i was goin to school to be a doctor, but then i found out that biology was not my thing. now i am doing radiation therapy, but will this be my final decision, its unknown. there is no straight easy path to concluding my life. i feel like its always going to be altered along the way. I dont know if im gonna be what i think im gonna be 6 years from now. Im not gonna know who decides to show up again in my life. or the new people that show up to. Its all a mystery, an unwritten story that im writing as i go. a final copy that cant be corrected, and i definitely cant go to the last page to read the ending. Im not gonna lie i am scared not knowing what going to happen to next. im scared that im gonna end up alone.. scared of death. most all scared that there is nothing after this. that forever and forever after this i wont exist. i think of the worst things possible to be thinking about.
But beyond all the things i fear, i feel like i am becoming more capable to handle the things that life throws at me. I am finding it easier to take the criticism because i am proud of myself. easier to look back on the past and think that i am glad it happened. all of it. and that sometimes some people are just meant to be let go. i may never see or speak to some people that i thought would be sticking around. all i know is that it was part of my life. I have realized that you cant change a person to be what you want them to be. cause i shouldnt be looking to change a person to the my own expectations. i should be looking for someone who fits the criteria perfectly. that some people are just not what you thought they were. Im gonna run into plenty of people that are going to hurt my feeling, break my heart, make me happy. and i feel ready for it all. that i just need to forget the past, just know that it happened. to not be scared of my future because its gonna happen if i like it or not. what really matters is now. cause right now is what is happening. i may feel like life just isnt up to my expectations, but as the saying goes good things happen to those who wait. that something good will happen eventually cause it always does. but right now i am satisfied with where i am. i feel like i am on track. and no matter where the road may take me, i dont plan on sliding off the road and getting stuck. cause i dont wanna be stuck at home relying on my parents to take care of me. All i know is that i wanna make something of myself..
Thursday, December 16, 2010
emotional
So alittle earlier today i was part of a really emotional situation.. i was out with a friend and she got a phone call from somebody we work with. she was crying and told her she was walking down the road and asked her she would come get her. So we went and picked her up.. As soon as she got in the car she started expressing her feelings about her situation with her husband.. She was crying, yelling.. she was so out of her head.. cause she has been stuck with this guy for so long controlling her! and she wants her life to be ok not a constant fight. she cannot afford to leave, but she has to.. she has kids to pay for.. so many things to worry about.. and she wanted us to take her over to the drug addicts house that we also work with.. she wanted to get drunk.. to wash away the pain.. and that she was not going to make any promises about how things are gonna turn out after tonight..
All i know is that i had a slightly rough day today.. i started off with crying today over some stupid guy.. but by the end of the day i was in a good mood.. but as soon as she got in the car and i had to feel what she was feeling, my mood was almost like a depressed type of mood.. cause i had to listen to her pain while she was yelling at this guy she is married to.. and then crying when he didnt even seem to care that she meant nothing to him basically.. and me and my friend we just didnt know what to say.. What do you say to a person when they are upset? Do we ever know what to say.. cause honestly it dont make it better even if you try to help them.. the pain is still going to be there.. your heart is still going to ache.. and you just dont think when things get so bad.. that sometimes you do stupid things. but while i was sitting in that car i was just wondering why do we have to go thru the things that we do.. like why do we deserve to have to feel some of the things that we do. that hurt, sad emotional feeling sucks.. it can be downer on anybody.. i dont know why im writing about this, but it really got to me.. Like why do people have to be the way they are... like what is going thru that persons mind when they are treating you badly.. or messing with your feelings.. just flat out why would you want to be that way towards someone when especially they dont deserve it... i just dont understand.. how someone can be so coldhearted.. and i just hate it.. I just wish everyone could be happy all the time. especially me.. like my happy moments never seem to stay.. i always recall something.. and my mood crumbles.. the things people do to us.. if effects us... maybe some not as bad as others.. but it does.. and i just wish there was some other way around this emotion..
All i know is that i had a slightly rough day today.. i started off with crying today over some stupid guy.. but by the end of the day i was in a good mood.. but as soon as she got in the car and i had to feel what she was feeling, my mood was almost like a depressed type of mood.. cause i had to listen to her pain while she was yelling at this guy she is married to.. and then crying when he didnt even seem to care that she meant nothing to him basically.. and me and my friend we just didnt know what to say.. What do you say to a person when they are upset? Do we ever know what to say.. cause honestly it dont make it better even if you try to help them.. the pain is still going to be there.. your heart is still going to ache.. and you just dont think when things get so bad.. that sometimes you do stupid things. but while i was sitting in that car i was just wondering why do we have to go thru the things that we do.. like why do we deserve to have to feel some of the things that we do. that hurt, sad emotional feeling sucks.. it can be downer on anybody.. i dont know why im writing about this, but it really got to me.. Like why do people have to be the way they are... like what is going thru that persons mind when they are treating you badly.. or messing with your feelings.. just flat out why would you want to be that way towards someone when especially they dont deserve it... i just dont understand.. how someone can be so coldhearted.. and i just hate it.. I just wish everyone could be happy all the time. especially me.. like my happy moments never seem to stay.. i always recall something.. and my mood crumbles.. the things people do to us.. if effects us... maybe some not as bad as others.. but it does.. and i just wish there was some other way around this emotion..
Life is a pain in the ass
So i dont understand why life has to be so complicated.. why there has to be so much pain.. so much of everything.. You can be thinking everything was going absolutely fabulous in your life.. and then bam its horrible again.. Its like there isnt a balance between it.. that something is always going to go wrong.. and that we are not going to be able to control it.. I may sit here and think that im stupid for the mistakes i have made recently, but really am i stupid? Im starting to think not. we are human and sometimes we go towards things that are wrong because we think that we can change it or make it better. thats not being stupid.. its just something you really really want.. and all you want is for things to work out. yes i have made some mistakes during this little journey i have made myself part of.. It was just one of those distraction you want to have and you just cant resist it.. cause deep down you think its gonna turn out to be some great thing... but in the end you are just fucked over.. its gonna happen alot.. its just part of life. but i always try to tell myself you learn from these mistakes.. that the more of them you have to go threw will make you stronger.. that it will be easier to handle in the future.. maybe this is not true, but at least im tryin to be optimistic about it right?
So it started with this guy.. we started talking on facebook one day.. and we seemed to click.. we talked til like 4 in the morning not even realizing.. like thats how we were all the time we could talk and talk with out any problem.. maybe the occasional i have nothin to talk about, but still it was amazing.. he was amazing for that moment.. besides the fact that he had no job, no car, didnt graduate high school, no college, got high all the time, and parties.. yes i know what was i thinking.. what i was thinking was i loved his personality! how he seemed like a rather genuine guy considering how others judged him to be. I liked this kid ALOT.. i was just lost in the dream. Everything was good until you brought her up.. and then you left.. but when i had finally forgotten you and was over it... you showed up again.... it was almost predictable like i knew you were gonna show up again.. bad intentions or not.. i knew you would be back.. and then you were... i tried to play it cool.. cause i wanted to be friends atleast.. cause i thought you were a great person... so we talked like nothin ever happened like you never ignored me.. and everything else that happened.. cause im just to nice of a person.. then you finally brought up that u think u made a mistake.. that u had feelings for me.. and that you thought about me.. that you didnt give me the chance i deserved.. so of course i wanted to try again! cause i understood his situation, but i was cautious.. i kept a distance.. cause i didnt wanna get hurt again.. and i had a gut feeling that it would happen again, but i decided to ignore it.. cause all i want is someone to hold me! it sound ridiculous but its the best feeling ever.. So i talked to you.. it was good again.. and we had plans to go sledding this weekend, but no longer do... the last thing he said was of course i wanna talk to you.. and i didnt have time to reply.. and i felt like i knew that since i didnt reply til 3 hours later that somethin was gonna happen! and of course it did! you starting to another girl.. leavin me behind tellin me that.. i didnt try.. that i talked down to you.. that i wasnt interested.. EVERYTHING WAS TURNED ON ME.. it didnt make sense cause this was not the guy i met awhile ago.. and i told him that.. but he says idk him!.. but maybe i dont.. maybe just he has alot of issues.. and that he was not the right guy for me.. i wanna make a life for myself.. im not gonna be part of someones life that is just about getting high and fucking off.. im to serious for that.. i wanna get a job.. find someone to spend my life with and have a family.. but yeah i liked him alot.. but he was a typical asshole!
so i should not be sticking up for him what so ever.. he hurt me! intentionally.. He was a fucking asshole.. douche bag.. who most likely has more to his story that he has never told me, but i will never know cause i took that out of my life.. But i am still infuriated by this.. and a part of me wants to write a hateful message to him like people told me i should do.. but honestly i feel like its not worth my time to add to his fire.. and that i dont need to tell him that hes a fucking screw up! cause one day its going to hit him in the face! and hes gonna be one of those bums over on miller road or something.. and that he will be fucked over by the next girl he get with.. cause karma is a bitch.. cause one day you will be played! cause someone will be better at your game then you are! you just came across me.. and im not the type to play nasty.. cause thats just childish bullshit.. and i deserve better then that.
Cause all i want is someone to love me.. to make me feel secure and wanted.. i dont want the drama.. i want someone my parents will like.. and whos not going to hurt me like they all seem to do.. at least not intentionally.. a part of me just wants to have someone.. but oh well you never know what the future may hold.
So it started with this guy.. we started talking on facebook one day.. and we seemed to click.. we talked til like 4 in the morning not even realizing.. like thats how we were all the time we could talk and talk with out any problem.. maybe the occasional i have nothin to talk about, but still it was amazing.. he was amazing for that moment.. besides the fact that he had no job, no car, didnt graduate high school, no college, got high all the time, and parties.. yes i know what was i thinking.. what i was thinking was i loved his personality! how he seemed like a rather genuine guy considering how others judged him to be. I liked this kid ALOT.. i was just lost in the dream. Everything was good until you brought her up.. and then you left.. but when i had finally forgotten you and was over it... you showed up again.... it was almost predictable like i knew you were gonna show up again.. bad intentions or not.. i knew you would be back.. and then you were... i tried to play it cool.. cause i wanted to be friends atleast.. cause i thought you were a great person... so we talked like nothin ever happened like you never ignored me.. and everything else that happened.. cause im just to nice of a person.. then you finally brought up that u think u made a mistake.. that u had feelings for me.. and that you thought about me.. that you didnt give me the chance i deserved.. so of course i wanted to try again! cause i understood his situation, but i was cautious.. i kept a distance.. cause i didnt wanna get hurt again.. and i had a gut feeling that it would happen again, but i decided to ignore it.. cause all i want is someone to hold me! it sound ridiculous but its the best feeling ever.. So i talked to you.. it was good again.. and we had plans to go sledding this weekend, but no longer do... the last thing he said was of course i wanna talk to you.. and i didnt have time to reply.. and i felt like i knew that since i didnt reply til 3 hours later that somethin was gonna happen! and of course it did! you starting to another girl.. leavin me behind tellin me that.. i didnt try.. that i talked down to you.. that i wasnt interested.. EVERYTHING WAS TURNED ON ME.. it didnt make sense cause this was not the guy i met awhile ago.. and i told him that.. but he says idk him!.. but maybe i dont.. maybe just he has alot of issues.. and that he was not the right guy for me.. i wanna make a life for myself.. im not gonna be part of someones life that is just about getting high and fucking off.. im to serious for that.. i wanna get a job.. find someone to spend my life with and have a family.. but yeah i liked him alot.. but he was a typical asshole!
so i should not be sticking up for him what so ever.. he hurt me! intentionally.. He was a fucking asshole.. douche bag.. who most likely has more to his story that he has never told me, but i will never know cause i took that out of my life.. But i am still infuriated by this.. and a part of me wants to write a hateful message to him like people told me i should do.. but honestly i feel like its not worth my time to add to his fire.. and that i dont need to tell him that hes a fucking screw up! cause one day its going to hit him in the face! and hes gonna be one of those bums over on miller road or something.. and that he will be fucked over by the next girl he get with.. cause karma is a bitch.. cause one day you will be played! cause someone will be better at your game then you are! you just came across me.. and im not the type to play nasty.. cause thats just childish bullshit.. and i deserve better then that.
Cause all i want is someone to love me.. to make me feel secure and wanted.. i dont want the drama.. i want someone my parents will like.. and whos not going to hurt me like they all seem to do.. at least not intentionally.. a part of me just wants to have someone.. but oh well you never know what the future may hold.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Curiousity kills
I hate that my mind will wonder off and think about things it should not be thinking about! It kills me.. it always like to go towards the caution zone.. which is definitely off limits. maybe it is natural to want to know things about other people, but honestly i am so good at finding out things about other people, that its almost kinda ridiculous. It can almost be like an adventure, but you always run into bad things. i always seem to find out something i dont wanna know, when all im doing is browsing thru.. being bored like always.. and BAM you find something that gets your attention and its all over after that. Sometimes i think this is my calling. to make some kind of career out of this, even though i am not proud of this.. its just something i do. I think everybody likes to see what others have been up to.. so maybe it has to be normal.. hopefully it is. but in my opinion curiousity kills..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)