The bigger picture

I am the type of person who seems to always get lost in her thoughts. i am always thinking about something. During my day i can think about now, the past, future, anything. I feel like i get lost in my thought more now a days because im always worrying about something, but honestly im finding a more optimistic approach to everything that i have been thinking about. Im not sure if its gonna last, but its definitely a start. So im gonna start with school. Fall semester has just ended and i didnt do well but i know i tried. im gonna have to retake a class and im not to proud of it, but its already done and nothing i can do to change what happened now. but what i like the most is i finally got myself back.. after each semester during the little break i get i always find my way back to me.. I realized this when i went to work that i was just so calm and collected.. i was my happy self again and it really felt good.. besides all the bullshit i have had to deal with between  the end of school and now.. i am happy! and i love it this way. i wish it could be like this all the time.

So i have realized i have made some pretty good mistakes such as failing a class. liking a low-life douche bag, isolating myself like i do each semester, but i have realized that these mistakes have made me who i am. That our mistakes are just a big learning experience. we have to make mistakes to be able to find ourselves. cause if we were perfect we wouldnt know anything otherwise. its kinda like the 'what if' aspect on life. by the mistakes we make we might actually find the way that we are really suppose to be going. Senior year in high school i thought i was goin to school to be a doctor, but then i found out that biology was not my thing. now i am doing radiation therapy, but will this be my final decision, its unknown. there is no straight easy path to concluding my life. i feel like its always going to be altered along the way. I dont know if im gonna be what i think im gonna be 6 years from now. Im not gonna know who decides to show up again in my life. or the new people that show up to. Its all a mystery, an unwritten story that im writing as i go. a final copy that cant be corrected, and i definitely cant go to the last page to read the ending. Im not gonna lie i am scared not knowing what going to happen to next. im scared that im gonna end up alone.. scared of death. most all scared that there is nothing after this. that forever and forever after this i wont exist. i think of the worst things possible to be thinking about.

But beyond all the things i fear, i feel like i am becoming more capable to handle the things that life throws at me. I am finding it easier to take the criticism because i am proud of myself. easier to look back on the past and think that i am glad it happened. all of it. and that sometimes some people are just meant to be let go. i may never see or speak to some people that i thought would be sticking around. all i know is that it was part of my life. I have realized that you cant change a person to be what you want them to be. cause i shouldnt be looking to change a person to the my own expectations. i should be looking for someone who fits the criteria perfectly. that some people are just not what you thought they were. Im gonna run into plenty of people that are going to hurt my feeling, break my heart, make me happy. and i feel ready for it all. that i just need to forget the past, just know that it happened. to not be scared of my future because its gonna happen if i like it or not. what really matters is now. cause right now is what is happening. i may feel like life just isnt up to my expectations, but as the saying goes good things happen to those who wait. that something good will happen eventually cause it always does. but right now i am satisfied with where i am. i feel like i am on track. and no matter where the road may take me, i dont plan on sliding off the road and getting stuck. cause i dont wanna be stuck at home relying on my parents to take care of me. All i know is that i wanna make something of myself..

emotional

So alittle earlier today i was part of a really emotional situation.. i was out with a friend and she got a phone call from somebody we work with. she was crying and told her she was walking down the road and asked her she would come get her. So we went and picked her up.. As soon as she got in the car she started expressing her feelings about her situation with her husband.. She was crying, yelling.. she was so out of her head.. cause she has been stuck with this guy for so long controlling her! and she wants her life to be ok not a constant fight. she cannot afford to leave, but she has to.. she has kids to pay for.. so many things to worry about.. and she wanted us to take her over to the drug addicts house that we also work with.. she wanted to get drunk.. to wash away the pain.. and that she was not going to make any promises about how things are gonna turn out after tonight..

All i know is that i had a slightly rough day today.. i started off with crying today over some stupid guy.. but by the end of the day i was in a good mood.. but as soon as she got in the car and i had to feel what she was feeling, my mood was almost like a depressed type of mood.. cause i had to listen to her pain while she was yelling at this guy she is married to.. and then crying when he didnt even seem to care that she meant nothing to him basically.. and me and my friend we just didnt know what to say.. What do you say to a person when they are upset? Do we ever know what to say.. cause honestly it dont make it better even if you try to help them.. the pain is still going to be there.. your heart is still going to ache.. and you just dont think when things get so bad.. that sometimes you do stupid things. but while i was sitting in that car i was just wondering why do we have to go thru the things that we do.. like why do we deserve to have to feel some of the things that we do. that hurt, sad emotional feeling sucks.. it can be downer on anybody.. i dont know why im writing about this, but it really got to me.. Like why do people have to be the way they are... like what is going thru that persons mind when they are treating you badly.. or messing with your feelings.. just flat out why would you want to be that way towards someone when especially they dont deserve it... i just dont understand.. how someone can be so coldhearted.. and i just hate it.. I just wish everyone could be happy all the time. especially me.. like my happy moments never seem to stay.. i always recall something.. and my mood crumbles.. the things people do to us.. if effects us... maybe some not as bad as others.. but it does.. and i just wish there was some other way around this emotion..

Life is a pain in the ass

So i dont understand why life has to be so complicated.. why there has to be so much pain.. so much of everything.. You can be thinking everything was going absolutely fabulous in your life.. and then bam its horrible again.. Its like there isnt a balance between it.. that something is always going to go wrong.. and that we are not going to be able to control it.. I may sit here and think that im stupid for the mistakes i have made recently, but really am i stupid? Im starting to think not. we are human and sometimes we go towards things that are wrong because we think that we can change it or make it better. thats not being stupid.. its just something you really really want.. and all you want is for things to work out. yes i have made some mistakes during this little journey i have made myself part of.. It was just one of those distraction you want to have and you just cant resist it.. cause deep down you think its gonna turn out to be some great thing... but in the end you are just fucked over.. its gonna happen alot.. its just part of life. but i always try to tell myself you learn from these mistakes.. that the more of them you have to go threw will make you stronger.. that it will be easier to handle in the future.. maybe this is not true, but at least im tryin to be optimistic about it right?

So it started with this guy.. we started talking on facebook one day.. and we seemed to click.. we talked til like 4 in the morning not even realizing.. like thats how we were all the time we could talk and talk with out any problem.. maybe the occasional i have nothin to talk about, but still it was amazing.. he was amazing for that moment.. besides the fact that he had no job, no car, didnt graduate high school, no college, got high all the time, and parties.. yes i know what was i thinking.. what i was thinking was i loved his personality! how he seemed like a rather genuine guy considering how others judged him to be. I liked this kid ALOT.. i was just lost in the dream. Everything was good until you brought her up.. and then you left.. but when i had finally forgotten you and was over it... you showed up again.... it was almost predictable like i knew you were gonna show up again.. bad intentions or not.. i knew you would be back.. and then you were... i tried to play it cool.. cause i wanted to be friends atleast.. cause i thought you were a great person... so we talked like nothin ever happened like you never ignored me.. and everything else that happened.. cause im just to nice of a person.. then you finally brought up that u think u made a mistake.. that u had feelings for me.. and that you thought about me.. that you didnt give me the chance i deserved.. so of course i wanted to try again! cause i understood his situation, but i was cautious.. i kept a distance.. cause i didnt wanna get hurt again.. and i had a gut feeling that it would happen again, but i decided to ignore it.. cause all i want is someone to hold me! it sound ridiculous but its the best feeling ever.. So i talked to you.. it was good again.. and we had plans to go sledding this weekend, but no longer do... the last thing he said was of course i wanna talk to you.. and i didnt have time to reply.. and i felt like i knew that since i didnt reply til 3 hours later that somethin was gonna happen! and of course it did! you starting to another girl.. leavin me behind tellin me that.. i didnt try.. that i talked down to you.. that i wasnt interested.. EVERYTHING WAS TURNED ON ME.. it didnt make sense cause this was not the guy i met awhile ago.. and i told him that.. but he says idk him!.. but maybe i dont.. maybe just he has alot of issues.. and that he was not the right guy for me.. i wanna make a life for myself.. im not gonna be part of someones life that is just about getting high and fucking off.. im to serious for that.. i wanna get a job.. find someone to spend my life with and have a family.. but yeah i liked him alot.. but he was a typical asshole!

so i should not be sticking up for him what so ever.. he hurt me! intentionally.. He was a fucking asshole.. douche bag.. who most likely has more to his story that he has never told me, but i will never know cause i took that out of my life.. But i am still infuriated by this.. and a part of me wants to write a hateful message to him like people told me i should do.. but honestly i feel like its not worth my time to add to his fire.. and that i dont need to tell him that hes a fucking screw up! cause one day its going to hit him in the face! and hes gonna be one of those bums over on miller road or something.. and that he will be fucked over by the next girl he get with.. cause karma is a bitch.. cause one day you will be played! cause someone will be better at your game then you are! you just came across me.. and im not the type to play nasty.. cause thats just childish bullshit.. and i deserve better then that.

Cause all i want is someone to love me.. to make me feel secure and wanted.. i dont want the drama.. i want someone my parents will like.. and whos not going to hurt me like they all seem to do.. at least not intentionally.. a part of me just wants to have someone.. but oh well you never know what the future may hold.

Curiousity kills

I hate that my mind will wonder off and think about things it should not be thinking about! It kills me.. it always like to go towards the caution zone.. which is definitely off limits. maybe it is natural to want to know things about other people, but honestly i am so good at finding out things about other people, that its almost kinda ridiculous. It can almost be like an adventure, but you always run into bad things. i always seem to find out something i dont wanna know, when all im doing is browsing thru.. being bored like always.. and BAM you find something that gets your attention and its all over after that. Sometimes i think this is my calling. to make some kind of career out of this, even though i am not proud of this.. its just something i do. I think everybody likes to see what others have been up to.. so maybe it has to be normal.. hopefully it is. but in my opinion curiousity kills..

all alone

So i was walking thru my school.. and i decided to sit by a window and look at the view from where i was.. its one of my favorite places to be. I do all my thinking there, homework, studying.. everything. and i always do it alone. I used to be afraid of being alone cause i have a way of breaking myself down. So i always feared being alone i always wanted somebody by my side, someone to talk to.. but i have started to realize that being alone is really not that bad.. Its almost a relief to be by myself cause all you have are your own expectations to follow.. no one elses.. im not saying that i have a desire for it to be me, myself, and i.. I like hanging with friends and family, but i really have come to enjoy that me time.. cause i no longer feel sad or maybe depressed.. it almost makes me happy to view out the window and just wonder..
people always tend to feel bad for the people you see in the hallways sitting alone.. you wonder what they might be going thru.. but maybe thats just how they like it to be.. sometimes things are just easier when alone. there is no one to judge you. to tell you that your hair looks horrible.. that you need to lose weight.. that im a horrible person.. the list keeps going on and on.. all we do is judge people and sometimes we feel the need to correct ourselves to become better then there critizicm. Its like when you walk thru a place full of people.. you know that you even to judge them.. see the couple and ask why is he with her... see someone with just something that doesnt fit your standards and you either think something in your head or tell someone.. all we do is judge the person we see. their every move.. how they look..EVERYTHING.. but doesnt it matter what they have to show from the inside.. that maybe beyond all your judgements that you will see a great person. Someone who will and can defeat all those judgements before giving them a chance.
This is just some of the many reasons i like to be alone. I dont have to feel the pressure from whomever i am with.. I dont have to sit there and wonder what they might be thinking about what i said or how i look.. cause all we do is wonder.. are they lying.. because the truth is everything.. it may hurt but at least its the truth. So when being alone all these worries go away.. This is where you find the true you..

Life as we know it

Its surprising that i have not cried in awhile. I think i am just in shock now by all that has happened so far. Like there is nothing left that i can do to make anything different and all i can do is live with it. I am just tired of everything. Sometimes i wish i could go away for like a month.. disapear without anybody noticing. To a place with no worries, but thats just a dream. I wanna escape this life i live cause honestly it isnt much of anything.. I hear of the lives of everyone else and wish i had a life like that. Im becoming sick of my life, i just want some excitement, some change anything would be great.. I sit here thinking.. im not sad, but im not happy.. so what does that leave me with?..
It getting close to christmas and all that holiday stuff.. and this year i am just not feeling the christmas spirit. Usually i love the holidays, but not this year. i cant wait til its over. It reminds me of how broke i am.. and that soon after school will be starting again. but most of all it reminds me of you..I actually have not thought of you in quite awhile because it used to hurt to think of you, but now you are just a distant memory. This holiday just makes me miss you alittle.. cause it was a great experience in my life and i was beyond happy.. so maybe thats why im just not feeling the holidays this year.. that should definitely not be a reason.. just a few days ago i opened a file in my computer from the deleted bin that you had sent me.. it makes me wonder if you have thought about me even once since the last time i talk to you so long ago.. Sometimes i wish that i might get a random email or text, but i kno that it will never happen. I wish people didnt have to just leave out of your life just because things dont work out.. I hate having to say goodbye.. cause it shouldnt be like that it should be ill talk to you later. It just dont make sense that you can be so close to someone and then go to never seeing or speaking to them again.. but like everyone says people come in and out of our lives.. but its hurts to watch them go.. and like with the most recent person i had.. it still makes me wish i could talk to him. but for some reason i cant..its all so confusing! to be talking to someone on a daily basis and then nothing.. it bothers me.. that most likely i will never talk to either one of these people ever again. i just dont like losing people who made a difference in my life.. but i am thankful for the people i do have in my life, to always hold your head high.. that life is so unexpected at times. to live in the moment..and you never know what is going to happen tomorrow.
Sometimes i just wish i was a kid again.. when my biggest worry was if my parents were gonna let me go play outside. or let me go play with friends.. When i was a kid i didnt catch myself thinking about things.. cause i had nothing to worry about. Life was carefree. Life was an adventure back then. I didnt care about boys, didnt care about what people thought of me.. sometimes i wish i could relive it all.. but thats all very unrealistic.. its just another dream. I am very different from the child i used to be. Now all i do is worry. Sometimes when im driving and i have to mute the music for some reason.. then i dont even realize the silence because i am lost in my own thoughts. I hate having to worry about paying to fill my gas tank up. paying my parents..how i am going to be able to pay to buy gifts this year.school.work.family.boy problems.. LIFE. I wish i had a button to shut off my brain for alittle while.
But honestly i think i have come a long way in my journey thru my life.. I still worry alot but i am learning to deal with all the obstacles alot better. i am starting to accept myself for who i am and that this is who i am. That i dont need to change unless i want to change.. because the people that come into my life should love me for me.. and if they dont then its just not meant to be.. Life is not meant to be easy cause if it was then we would have nothing. and that we will never kno whats going to happen tomorrow.. you might be surprised.. cause it might bring what you never expected.. but all we can do is keep moving forward and remain ready for what life may throw at us. expect the unexpected..

How far we've come

Sometimes i just like to sit around and remember things.. Like all the random things that happened in my life that seem so distant. It can be hard to remember all the good things, cause it always seems easier to remember all the things you would rather forget.. but Im dedicating this to a friend.

It all started in 5th grade, thats when we became friends. i wish i remembered how it officially happened but all i kno is it all started there. The only thing i can remember was the cooties and that spelling game that i loved so much, and cried when i couldnt play the last one cause some girl stole my paper on purpose. Then 6th, i barely remember anything from this year. the only thing i can remember was i became obsessed with wiggling and jiggling and worms or somethin. yes i am alittle crazy. Then there was junior high there wasnt very much good that happened. I remember you basically liked the whole school. and our first fight when i yelled out robinhoods name. All of this is just distant memories that are only fading more. Then there was high school. so much happened during those 4 years and i feel like we both changed alittle bit by the time we walked across that platform to the start of our lives. Some things i remember were all our school crushes there were so many!.. physics class! enough said. biology too! What sticks out the most is that time we stopped talking.  i still dont understand why it happened, but it was such an awkward time. but somehow we found our way back to being friends again.

Like i feel like we have been thru so much together and that we are always going to be friends. friends for life.. no matter how many times we stop talking we will still remain friends. No matter what one of us is going thru, we will be there for one another. Its like we have a special bond, even tho we can feel so far away from eachother, that our lives are so different.. we eventually make it thru. Like i can imagine us both married with kids.. and we will still have get togethers.. and be able to share our stories with our children.. and so much more. plus before all this we have a bet about who will get married first and you are gonna owe me 50 bucks! since you are on the road to success for that.

But i sit here thinking that i have more to say, but honestly it all has been said. I just hope you know that i appreciate you as my friend. you help me thru so much. make me happy when im sad, even if i get sad again afterwards.. it all still counts cause it really helps me.
you are the greatest friend i will ever have :)

wonders why

Sometimes i wonder why i tend to always come back to feeling like this.. Like its not normal that i can be so happy, but can fall into a horrible sadness just by alittle thing. can that be normal? I sometimes think that there has to be something wrong with me. Someone should not be so emotional. I wish i could just take in the things that are thrown at me and for it not to effect me, but it really does. I try not to show it cause i want to seem strong, but to be honest i am far from that. I just tend to cry at night cause i just hurt so much inside. Like right now i just had a tear fall down my cheek and im not sure why. I should not be sad. I feel like im falling into what happened to me months ago.. Im feeling like i just wanna give up completely. I have calculus in about 8 hours and i just dont wanna go. i dont wanna see another failing grade because i just beat myself up even more, when i can feel the teachers disappointment in me. It makes me feel stupid.
I just feel like Im wanting more that what i have.. Like i dont feel complete anymore.. So i have been escaping from what i have been so focused on before because i want what everyone wants in life. Im just getting tired of doing the same thing over and over again.. and especially doing it alone.. Its like this i appreciate the family and friends i have, but im feeling somethin missing.. and i feel like im on a mission to find this.
Most of all i think im getting sick of myself.. I wanna do things in my life. like i wanna go make big mistakes.. like i just wanna go be a rebel.. i wanna go dancing. i wanna go get miserably drunk. I wanna go get a tattoo.. and most of all i just wanna live. I wanna breakout of myself, out of this box i live in. I just wanna do things that id never expect me to do.. cause i feel that if i can accomplish this i will be invincible. that i wont care what people think of me. that i wont take things that people say about me to heart. and that i will finally have the ability to just move past it.. and that it wont hurt me like it does now. That i wont be setting here with my eyes filled with tears cause i am just so afraid. im afraid that i will never succeed. afraid that i just wont be good enough. afraid that i will never find love. afraid of losing the people close to me. Im afraid of so many things that i scare myself.
I just want there to be a new me. im tired of being considered the shy, weird,crazy girl. i wanna be more than that. I wanna be able to walk up to some stranger and make a fool of myself.  i want to be comfortable with me, my body.. and generally how i feel about myself. yeah just by reading this i sound like a really sad depressed person, but really i am not.. this is just a part of me that is always goin to be a part of me. I am good at masking all this.. Im really good at putting on a great big smile because its how were suppose to be. but by the end of the day im just exhausted by that and just need to cry. Maybe i am crazy.. who know cause i dont even know. I just wish some people could understand me better and know that this is just how i am.

what i think i want

All i want is for you to love me for who i am.. yes i make mistake.. and can screw up quite often, but i am human. i want you to see that i am tryin my hardest so that i live up to your expectations of me. i feel like i have finally failed at that. i am disappointed in myself for achieving this, but it shows that i am not perfect. i just wanna be able to live my life.. i dont want it to always be about school.. i wanna be able to live to.

Insecure

I felt like everything was going perfectly.. I was so happy.. it was like i didnt have a care in the world because i had you to talk to, when i didnt have the ones i really wanted to talk to also.. I felt secure laying with you and you holding me. I got butterflies when you put your hand across my stomach. I felt so secure and that it felt so right. I put aside all your flaws that i knew my parents would never approve of just because it felt good having someone close to me.. and honestly i didnt want anything more than that.. Im the type who really cant handle the emotional stuff that comes along i liked it how it was. I felt like u liked me. u even said so in so many ways.. and would miss me when time would pass away. It still leaves me confused that u wanted to see me but i didnt show up!.. and then decide to ignore me and then tell me you were not attracted to me.. It does seem like you were scared. i could have lived with out you ever talking to me again, but you just had to make a comment that makes me feel so insecure. and i just wish you would disapear and that you were erased cause i think i did really like you, but knew that it would end soon.. cause of you and that i was the only one who would see you for you. cause now all i have left is to let it go. there is nothing more i can do.. and that someone will eventually come along and will make me feel secure again.

Been having a rough time with everything that been going on in my life.. i wish it could just be easier. i hate how much stress i have to go thru. i just wish i had time where i was not worrying about somethin.. and i dont know why i still feel alittle sad, that i no longer have you to talked to. i liked being able to talk to you.. but you decided you didnt like me like that out of nowhere. i really hate when people have to be misleading. nobody deserves to have their feelings messed with at all. like i dont care that i dont have you.. i just wish i had you to talked to thats all! i should not be even thinking about you because i have so much more to deal with that actually matters more to me. :/