Life as we know it

Its surprising that i have not cried in awhile. I think i am just in shock now by all that has happened so far. Like there is nothing left that i can do to make anything different and all i can do is live with it. I am just tired of everything. Sometimes i wish i could go away for like a month.. disapear without anybody noticing. To a place with no worries, but thats just a dream. I wanna escape this life i live cause honestly it isnt much of anything.. I hear of the lives of everyone else and wish i had a life like that. Im becoming sick of my life, i just want some excitement, some change anything would be great.. I sit here thinking.. im not sad, but im not happy.. so what does that leave me with?..
It getting close to christmas and all that holiday stuff.. and this year i am just not feeling the christmas spirit. Usually i love the holidays, but not this year. i cant wait til its over. It reminds me of how broke i am.. and that soon after school will be starting again. but most of all it reminds me of you..I actually have not thought of you in quite awhile because it used to hurt to think of you, but now you are just a distant memory. This holiday just makes me miss you alittle.. cause it was a great experience in my life and i was beyond happy.. so maybe thats why im just not feeling the holidays this year.. that should definitely not be a reason.. just a few days ago i opened a file in my computer from the deleted bin that you had sent me.. it makes me wonder if you have thought about me even once since the last time i talk to you so long ago.. Sometimes i wish that i might get a random email or text, but i kno that it will never happen. I wish people didnt have to just leave out of your life just because things dont work out.. I hate having to say goodbye.. cause it shouldnt be like that it should be ill talk to you later. It just dont make sense that you can be so close to someone and then go to never seeing or speaking to them again.. but like everyone says people come in and out of our lives.. but its hurts to watch them go.. and like with the most recent person i had.. it still makes me wish i could talk to him. but for some reason i cant..its all so confusing! to be talking to someone on a daily basis and then nothing.. it bothers me.. that most likely i will never talk to either one of these people ever again. i just dont like losing people who made a difference in my life.. but i am thankful for the people i do have in my life, to always hold your head high.. that life is so unexpected at times. to live in the moment..and you never know what is going to happen tomorrow.
Sometimes i just wish i was a kid again.. when my biggest worry was if my parents were gonna let me go play outside. or let me go play with friends.. When i was a kid i didnt catch myself thinking about things.. cause i had nothing to worry about. Life was carefree. Life was an adventure back then. I didnt care about boys, didnt care about what people thought of me.. sometimes i wish i could relive it all.. but thats all very unrealistic.. its just another dream. I am very different from the child i used to be. Now all i do is worry. Sometimes when im driving and i have to mute the music for some reason.. then i dont even realize the silence because i am lost in my own thoughts. I hate having to worry about paying to fill my gas tank up. paying my parents..how i am going to be able to pay to buy gifts this year.school.work.family.boy problems.. LIFE. I wish i had a button to shut off my brain for alittle while.
But honestly i think i have come a long way in my journey thru my life.. I still worry alot but i am learning to deal with all the obstacles alot better. i am starting to accept myself for who i am and that this is who i am. That i dont need to change unless i want to change.. because the people that come into my life should love me for me.. and if they dont then its just not meant to be.. Life is not meant to be easy cause if it was then we would have nothing. and that we will never kno whats going to happen tomorrow.. you might be surprised.. cause it might bring what you never expected.. but all we can do is keep moving forward and remain ready for what life may throw at us. expect the unexpected..