The bigger picture

I am the type of person who seems to always get lost in her thoughts. i am always thinking about something. During my day i can think about now, the past, future, anything. I feel like i get lost in my thought more now a days because im always worrying about something, but honestly im finding a more optimistic approach to everything that i have been thinking about. Im not sure if its gonna last, but its definitely a start. So im gonna start with school. Fall semester has just ended and i didnt do well but i know i tried. im gonna have to retake a class and im not to proud of it, but its already done and nothing i can do to change what happened now. but what i like the most is i finally got myself back.. after each semester during the little break i get i always find my way back to me.. I realized this when i went to work that i was just so calm and collected.. i was my happy self again and it really felt good.. besides all the bullshit i have had to deal with between  the end of school and now.. i am happy! and i love it this way. i wish it could be like this all the time.

So i have realized i have made some pretty good mistakes such as failing a class. liking a low-life douche bag, isolating myself like i do each semester, but i have realized that these mistakes have made me who i am. That our mistakes are just a big learning experience. we have to make mistakes to be able to find ourselves. cause if we were perfect we wouldnt know anything otherwise. its kinda like the 'what if' aspect on life. by the mistakes we make we might actually find the way that we are really suppose to be going. Senior year in high school i thought i was goin to school to be a doctor, but then i found out that biology was not my thing. now i am doing radiation therapy, but will this be my final decision, its unknown. there is no straight easy path to concluding my life. i feel like its always going to be altered along the way. I dont know if im gonna be what i think im gonna be 6 years from now. Im not gonna know who decides to show up again in my life. or the new people that show up to. Its all a mystery, an unwritten story that im writing as i go. a final copy that cant be corrected, and i definitely cant go to the last page to read the ending. Im not gonna lie i am scared not knowing what going to happen to next. im scared that im gonna end up alone.. scared of death. most all scared that there is nothing after this. that forever and forever after this i wont exist. i think of the worst things possible to be thinking about.

But beyond all the things i fear, i feel like i am becoming more capable to handle the things that life throws at me. I am finding it easier to take the criticism because i am proud of myself. easier to look back on the past and think that i am glad it happened. all of it. and that sometimes some people are just meant to be let go. i may never see or speak to some people that i thought would be sticking around. all i know is that it was part of my life. I have realized that you cant change a person to be what you want them to be. cause i shouldnt be looking to change a person to the my own expectations. i should be looking for someone who fits the criteria perfectly. that some people are just not what you thought they were. Im gonna run into plenty of people that are going to hurt my feeling, break my heart, make me happy. and i feel ready for it all. that i just need to forget the past, just know that it happened. to not be scared of my future because its gonna happen if i like it or not. what really matters is now. cause right now is what is happening. i may feel like life just isnt up to my expectations, but as the saying goes good things happen to those who wait. that something good will happen eventually cause it always does. but right now i am satisfied with where i am. i feel like i am on track. and no matter where the road may take me, i dont plan on sliding off the road and getting stuck. cause i dont wanna be stuck at home relying on my parents to take care of me. All i know is that i wanna make something of myself..