So i dont understand why life has to be so complicated.. why there has to be so much pain.. so much of everything.. You can be thinking everything was going absolutely fabulous in your life.. and then bam its horrible again.. Its like there isnt a balance between it.. that something is always going to go wrong.. and that we are not going to be able to control it.. I may sit here and think that im stupid for the mistakes i have made recently, but really am i stupid? Im starting to think not. we are human and sometimes we go towards things that are wrong because we think that we can change it or make it better. thats not being stupid.. its just something you really really want.. and all you want is for things to work out. yes i have made some mistakes during this little journey i have made myself part of.. It was just one of those distraction you want to have and you just cant resist it.. cause deep down you think its gonna turn out to be some great thing... but in the end you are just fucked over.. its gonna happen alot.. its just part of life. but i always try to tell myself you learn from these mistakes.. that the more of them you have to go threw will make you stronger.. that it will be easier to handle in the future.. maybe this is not true, but at least im tryin to be optimistic about it right?
So it started with this guy.. we started talking on facebook one day.. and we seemed to click.. we talked til like 4 in the morning not even realizing.. like thats how we were all the time we could talk and talk with out any problem.. maybe the occasional i have nothin to talk about, but still it was amazing.. he was amazing for that moment.. besides the fact that he had no job, no car, didnt graduate high school, no college, got high all the time, and parties.. yes i know what was i thinking.. what i was thinking was i loved his personality! how he seemed like a rather genuine guy considering how others judged him to be. I liked this kid ALOT.. i was just lost in the dream. Everything was good until you brought her up.. and then you left.. but when i had finally forgotten you and was over it... you showed up again.... it was almost predictable like i knew you were gonna show up again.. bad intentions or not.. i knew you would be back.. and then you were... i tried to play it cool.. cause i wanted to be friends atleast.. cause i thought you were a great person... so we talked like nothin ever happened like you never ignored me.. and everything else that happened.. cause im just to nice of a person.. then you finally brought up that u think u made a mistake.. that u had feelings for me.. and that you thought about me.. that you didnt give me the chance i deserved.. so of course i wanted to try again! cause i understood his situation, but i was cautious.. i kept a distance.. cause i didnt wanna get hurt again.. and i had a gut feeling that it would happen again, but i decided to ignore it.. cause all i want is someone to hold me! it sound ridiculous but its the best feeling ever.. So i talked to you.. it was good again.. and we had plans to go sledding this weekend, but no longer do... the last thing he said was of course i wanna talk to you.. and i didnt have time to reply.. and i felt like i knew that since i didnt reply til 3 hours later that somethin was gonna happen! and of course it did! you starting to another girl.. leavin me behind tellin me that.. i didnt try.. that i talked down to you.. that i wasnt interested.. EVERYTHING WAS TURNED ON ME.. it didnt make sense cause this was not the guy i met awhile ago.. and i told him that.. but he says idk him!.. but maybe i dont.. maybe just he has alot of issues.. and that he was not the right guy for me.. i wanna make a life for myself.. im not gonna be part of someones life that is just about getting high and fucking off.. im to serious for that.. i wanna get a job.. find someone to spend my life with and have a family.. but yeah i liked him alot.. but he was a typical asshole!
so i should not be sticking up for him what so ever.. he hurt me! intentionally.. He was a fucking asshole.. douche bag.. who most likely has more to his story that he has never told me, but i will never know cause i took that out of my life.. But i am still infuriated by this.. and a part of me wants to write a hateful message to him like people told me i should do.. but honestly i feel like its not worth my time to add to his fire.. and that i dont need to tell him that hes a fucking screw up! cause one day its going to hit him in the face! and hes gonna be one of those bums over on miller road or something.. and that he will be fucked over by the next girl he get with.. cause karma is a bitch.. cause one day you will be played! cause someone will be better at your game then you are! you just came across me.. and im not the type to play nasty.. cause thats just childish bullshit.. and i deserve better then that.
Cause all i want is someone to love me.. to make me feel secure and wanted.. i dont want the drama.. i want someone my parents will like.. and whos not going to hurt me like they all seem to do.. at least not intentionally.. a part of me just wants to have someone.. but oh well you never know what the future may hold.
No comments:
Post a Comment