wonders why

Sometimes i wonder why i tend to always come back to feeling like this.. Like its not normal that i can be so happy, but can fall into a horrible sadness just by alittle thing. can that be normal? I sometimes think that there has to be something wrong with me. Someone should not be so emotional. I wish i could just take in the things that are thrown at me and for it not to effect me, but it really does. I try not to show it cause i want to seem strong, but to be honest i am far from that. I just tend to cry at night cause i just hurt so much inside. Like right now i just had a tear fall down my cheek and im not sure why. I should not be sad. I feel like im falling into what happened to me months ago.. Im feeling like i just wanna give up completely. I have calculus in about 8 hours and i just dont wanna go. i dont wanna see another failing grade because i just beat myself up even more, when i can feel the teachers disappointment in me. It makes me feel stupid.
I just feel like Im wanting more that what i have.. Like i dont feel complete anymore.. So i have been escaping from what i have been so focused on before because i want what everyone wants in life. Im just getting tired of doing the same thing over and over again.. and especially doing it alone.. Its like this i appreciate the family and friends i have, but im feeling somethin missing.. and i feel like im on a mission to find this.
Most of all i think im getting sick of myself.. I wanna do things in my life. like i wanna go make big mistakes.. like i just wanna go be a rebel.. i wanna go dancing. i wanna go get miserably drunk. I wanna go get a tattoo.. and most of all i just wanna live. I wanna breakout of myself, out of this box i live in. I just wanna do things that id never expect me to do.. cause i feel that if i can accomplish this i will be invincible. that i wont care what people think of me. that i wont take things that people say about me to heart. and that i will finally have the ability to just move past it.. and that it wont hurt me like it does now. That i wont be setting here with my eyes filled with tears cause i am just so afraid. im afraid that i will never succeed. afraid that i just wont be good enough. afraid that i will never find love. afraid of losing the people close to me. Im afraid of so many things that i scare myself.
I just want there to be a new me. im tired of being considered the shy, weird,crazy girl. i wanna be more than that. I wanna be able to walk up to some stranger and make a fool of myself.  i want to be comfortable with me, my body.. and generally how i feel about myself. yeah just by reading this i sound like a really sad depressed person, but really i am not.. this is just a part of me that is always goin to be a part of me. I am good at masking all this.. Im really good at putting on a great big smile because its how were suppose to be. but by the end of the day im just exhausted by that and just need to cry. Maybe i am crazy.. who know cause i dont even know. I just wish some people could understand me better and know that this is just how i am.